church hurt

Welcome to therapy for believers
I don’t bill by the hour, but I bill by wounds closed
Take a seat on the pew
This is a revival session
Let us all stand for benediction

Church,
I’m hurt.
I stayed for my friends,
But they turned out to be parking lot friends.
When I exited the lot
They didn’t look back
A pillar of salt I became to them
They parked in stale, communion crackers
And I bathed in the salt of my own wounds
Self inflicted not
But the artery of pain was flowing
I couldn’t clasp the bleeding
Hurt I was.

Hooked on Phonics
I learned quick
Every Amen, Say That, Preach Pastor, and Soooo Good.
Got that.
I was inserting phrases like the next note in Beethoven
I selected my next go to phrase
But the melody had copyright
And I was partaking as an impostor
Creating a cover that didn’t satisfy
My heart.
God’s heart.
But God saw our relationship had a slow leak
I was comparing my psi to others
When we all have a different pressure limit
My strength had eroded in comparison
I wanted to roller blade on water
Call me Peter
But Thomas’ story was just as impactful as Peter’s
And so is mine

See God saw past the performance
But the church saints gave me a standing ovation
I was confused in peer praise
Arrived early. Check
Left late. Check.
Led small group. Check.
Served every weekend. Check
Multiple Services. Check. Check.
My ego was rewarded for being burnt out
And my soul got last place
I was tired.

But the need to fit in hijacked my thoughts
Congregation full of Barbie’s and Ken’s
You can spot a first time guest a mile away
Just wait
They’ll fall in line soon
Aesthetic over relationship right?
In a church lineup, I can spot who goes to what church
Off of their Sunday uniform alone
They all looked the part
Ctrl C, Ctrl V, Delete it All
It’s the authenticity for me
I went from guest to inner click real click
Everyone knew my name
That Christian Clout will get to your head
Members Only
But Jesus didn’t just talk to the twelve
I wonder if Jesus had a social media handle, would half of ya’ll follow?
If He didn’t follow you back
But it’s not follow for follow
It’s take up your cross and follow
After Him.

Whewwww.
It’s the healing for me.
Next Wound.
My own.
I let my Bible app streak lapse intentionally today
Streak: 457 days and 93 weeks
But last time it wasn’t so intentional
Bar hopping with friends
Back home after 12 am
I await the tragic notification
1 day streak looms across my blue lit screen.
I was more hurt at my score being reset
Than the last time I knowingly chose sin over God
My pride cried
But I didn’t weep for God
The streak had nothing to do with Him
But my small group thinks I have relationship with God
Like my relationship with rice and gravy
Together they are great
But apart they still operate
I was operating
But blended with God occasionally
And it was great when we did
But I acclimated to plain rice
That revelation tore me apart
So today, yes I intentionally broke my streak
Because a Bible streak isn’t synonymous with my personal relationship with God
God was Hurt.
And that Hurt Me.

My time is up.
Please stand for the benediction
This therapy session was rough.
But we only grow through transparency and acknowledgment.
Saints please return all pens and New Testament Bibles where you saw them in the pew
We will resume therapy sessions next week.
Same Place.
Same Time.
New Heart.