HealHER

Approaching the orchestrated landscape of chairs forming an AA like circle
I claim an empty seat
As icebreakers seek to cut a slice through my introverted aura, I take a deep breath
Hi, I’m “Artistic Alexis”, and I want Freedom
Week by week, I realize there is a price to Freedom
And it’s actually not free?
A work study of sort
And I being the apprentice to the Holy Spirit 
Gleaning lessons
Him challenging me to go deeper
But I initially didn’t take this group seriously 
Honestly….I accidently joined this group
Scrolling the Church Center app
My eye drawn to the wordplay of the groups name-
HealHER
That’s catchy 
I recognize one of the Leaders names
This group should be good
My thumb taps join 
Done
But little did I know
This group came with a whole course and conference
But I was just looking for community…
And this first icebreaker is intense
My anxiety struggles to remember everyone’s name and their same first letter adjective 
I finally exhale when my turn has passed
Oh this group will be some work

Week 1
I share
I cry
I don’t know these people 
I don’t know why I shared what I shared 
But I feel our spirits connecting 
There’s an uncanny attachment of similar pain
And a desire to be free
I think I’m supposed to be here
We are supposed to be here
This group
These leaders 
This semester 
It feels like group therapy
Heavy stuff
Real stuff
Not sure if I’m ready to do the work 
It’s too many people here 
From the PK’s, to the New Believers, to the Unsure Believers, and Everyone in between
And I’m in between
Stuck in the complacent drift of my current walk with God

Week 2
Oh this group got TALKERS 
I can coast
I can observe and listen
I don’t actually need to contribute
There’s so many willing vessels
And these people are sharing all of their business 
But unlike that TikTok trend
I’m listening and I’m judging
My pessimism struggles to separate shared vulnerability vs true freedom 
I suddenly take hold of
That thought
That lie
The envy of freedom
The juxtaposition of wanting freedom, but scared to do the work
The fear that if I dare to try 
That freedom won’t choose me
That I’m unworthy to be freed  
That if God doesn’t heal me
Then my whole idea of His identity crumbles 
Lost in the what if chasm of failed deliverance 

Week 5
God’s voice breaks through my mental shields
Petitioning me to try again 
For the first time, I actually read the lesson before group
I feel closer to God
I share in group
I open my heart to the group
I listen
I don’t judge 
I unlock the door for freedom to enter 
I commit to trying again 
With renewed expectations 
With better understanding 

In these 12 weeks
I’ve learned that freedom is not a gift you admire
Something to hang on a wall
Or prop on a display shelf
Freedom at its core is a living entity 
It is not a stagnant thing 
It is a daily application 
A choice 
A habit 
A lifestyle 
I never truly experienced freedom, because I mischaracterized its attributes
I was upset at the potency of freedom
When I didn’t dare to light its daily candle
To see my environment change
Today, I am making the choice
To carry the light of freedom daily 
And on the days when my environment dares to extinguish the flame 
May one of my sisters light it for me
From HealHER to HEALers

I was just looking for community….
And I found so much more 
This is freedom group